May 21, 2023
  • 12:08 pm Fall Convocation 2022: “The State of this University is Strong”
  • 9:37 pm Ogrin Brings the Thunder in Toros 12-3 rout; team plays for playoff championship tomorrow
  • 7:00 am Outstanding Professor Award Recipient’s Mic Drop Moment at Last Month’s Virtual Ceremony
  • 9:10 am Bookworms of the World Unite!
  • 7:46 pm Breaking News: All Students Living in Campus Housing Required to Receive COVID-19 Vaccine
  • 9:00 am CSUDH Esports Creates International Competition
  • 9:35 am Spring Commencement Ceremonies Get Brighter
  • 3:46 pm Breaking News: Spring Commencement Ceremonies Recieve Stadium Upgrade
  • 8:00 am Testing the Teachers (and All the Educators)
  • 9:30 am CSUDH Educators and School Employees, Vaccinated Next
  • 10:30 am For White People Only: Anti-Racism Workshop Addresses Racial Bias and Unity
  • 2:43 pm Greatness Personified: Remembering Kobe Bryant
  • 10:02 am Straight Down the Chimney and Into Your (Digital) Hands: Special Holiday Edition of The Bulletin!
  • 2:44 pm Did You Wake up Looking this Beautiful?
  • 11:43 am A Long History for University’s Newest Major
  • 5:15 pm Issue 5 of Bulletin Live! Collector’s Item! Worth its Weight in Digital Paper!
  • 4:06 pm Special Election Issue
  • 4:03 pm Three best Latinx Halloween & Horror Short Films available now on HBO Max
  • 9:49 am Issue 3 of CSUDH Bulletin Live if You Want It
  • 3:24 pm Hispanic Heritage Month Update
  • 2:00 pm South Bay Economic Forecast Goes Virtual
  • 3:52 pm BREAKING NEWS: Classes for Spring to be Online, CSU Chancellor Announces
  • 9:39 am “Strikes” and Solidarity
  • 8:30 am March Into History: Just 5 in 1970, CSUDH Growth Shaped by Historic Event
  • 8:30 am Will the Bulletin Make Today Tomorrow?
  • 9:04 am Different Neighborhoods Warrant Rubber Bullets or Traffic Control For Protesters
  • 5:07 pm STAFF EDITORIAL: Even Socially Distant, We All Have to Work Together
  • 5:47 pm Transcript of CSUDH President Parham’s Coronavirus Announcement
  • 10:46 am Cal State Long Beach Suspends Face-to-Face Classes; CSUDH Discussing Contingency Plans
  • 5:26 pm Things Black People Should be Able to Get Away with This Month
  • 10:25 am Latinx Students Need a Place to Call Home
  • 2:35 pm Will Time Run Out Before Funds for PEGS? [UPDATED]
  • 8:41 am Year of the Rat? What’s That?
  • 6:20 am Artist Who Gave Life to Death and Inspired Countless Others Gets His Due at Dominguez Hills
  • 5:16 pm Why I’m Rooting for Dr. Cornel West
  • 5:00 pm Under Fire from the Feds, Vaping’s Future is Cloudy
  • 3:28 pm We’re Going to Need a Bigger Boat; Tsunami 3.0 Hits Campus, Enrollment Swells
  • 4:48 pm University Weathering a Wave of New Students
  • 9:21 pm The Bulletin’s Public Records Request Offers Springboard to Launch Gender Equity Discussion at CSUDH
  • 4:27 pm Black is the New Black: Raising the Capital on the “B” Word
  • 10:53 am Guns Up for Arrest: Student advocacy group pushes for CSU No Gun Zones–Including the Police
  • 4:09 pm Staff Editorial: Words on the First
  • 8:42 pm Carson Mayor Blasts Media, Landmark Libel Case in Keynote Address
  • 9:27 am Free Speech Week Calendar of Events Update
  • 6:02 am Food for Thought: 40% of Students are Food Insecure
  • 3:12 pm Academic Senate Rejects CSU GE Task Force & Report
  • 3:06 pm Work To Be Done
  • 5:56 pm ASI Elections: What You Need to Know
  • 8:02 pm CSUDH President Parham Announces Cancer Diagnosis
  • 9:47 am CSUDH Art Professor’s 20-Year Journey Results in First Local Showing of Film
  • 9:13 pm Free Speech or Free Hate area?
  • 9:08 pm CSUDH’s Best & Brightest Shine at Student Research Day
  • 9:05 pm Academic Senate Approves Gender Equity Task Force
  • 12:37 pm When Dr. Davis speaks, Toros Pay Close Attention
  • 3:38 pm Investing in the Future: Dr. Thomas A. Parham Reflects on the Past Eight Months and Contemplates​ the University’s Future
  • 3:24 pm Green Olive to Open By End of Feb; Starbucks Not Until Fall
  • 3:20 pm Gov. Newsom’s Proposed Budget Hailed for Extensive Funding Increases
  • 3:08 pm Out of the Classroom: Labor and Community Organizing Course Aims to Teach Students How to Organize for Social Justice
  • 2:54 pm The Other Route in Professional Sports
  • 9:02 am Hail to the New Chief, CSUDH President Thomas Parham
  • 3:36 pm Career Center Holds Major/Minor Fair
  • 5:34 pm After Unexpected Delay, Undocumented Becomes More Intimate Theatrical Production
  • 1:30 pm What to Expect When You’re Expecting New Buildings
  • 1:17 pm Peaches, Peaches, Peaches
  • 1:14 pm Bonner Crowned: The Fearless Leader
  • 1:10 pm A Legacy Defined: Cilecia Foster
  • 1:03 pm The Toros Sweep Stanislaus State, Start CCAA Championships 
  • 12:56 pm Year In Review: 2022-23 Toros Athletics 

October 10 is World Mental Health Day and for Catalina Garcia, the importance of this day is personal and raw as she advocates for awareness and advocacy against social stigmas of things like anxiety or depression. 

By Catalina Garcia, Staff Reporter 

My anxiety has always been a complicated road that I’ve had to learn to walk through since I was in preschool. I was bullied growing up for various reasons like; being the tallest girl, having curly hair, being overweight, and sometimes being a tomboy. Because of the consistent bullying and harassment that I faced by my peers, from a young age, I learned to protect myself. 

As I grew older, the bullies grew smarter and they did the bullying in a subtle manner, where I didn’t pick up on it until it was too late to protect myself. This caused me to overthink and become anxious and paranoid whenever someone talked to me out of fear that they would take a jab at me. I learned to be quick; hurt them before they can hurt me. Deflect the pain before it can reach me. 

I learned over many years that I needed to overanalyze and overthink every situation to make sure it was safe. Every time I enter a room I look at every single person. I analyze the behavior of everyone before I can adapt to the environment. If I deemed the environment unsafe, I remain silent. If it was safe then I would allow myself to relax but never too much. 

Living with mental illness/anxiety is like having a dark shadow constantly trying to push you further back and further down rather than let you have your shining moment. A dark, silent shadow, which sometimes I can function alongside, but sometimes takes over my thoughts and entire being; always waiting to whisper in my ear and drag me down. 

Even today, my guard remains up at all times. It shows up when I’m watching movies, reading a book, and sleeping. Yes, even sleeping. I wake from a deep slumber with the feeling of the shadow taking over my body. Sometimes when I am with my friends I get the overwhelming feeling of being lonely, one of the many feelings of my anxiety. The shadow whispers in my ear, “No one here likes you. They are only tolerating you because they have to. They don’t want you here, you’re annoying.” 

When at parties or social gatherings, the anxiety gets so bad that eating becomes a problem. The overwhelming feeling of constant judgment from those around me. The shadow releases the voices from past instances where someone has commented on my weight or what I was eating rings in my ear; causing me to lose my appetite or overthink my food choices.

My eating habits became a struggle and until this day still remain a struggle. I don’t eat in front of people in fear that they judge what I order and the amount I intake. The shadow whispers in my ear, “They all have salads but you want the hamburger. What will they think if you order it? What will they think if you actually finish the whole thing? They’re going to say what those kids said growing up, remember?” So I simply order a salad but only eat half no matter how hungry I actually am.

But for me, my biggest battle is the shadow that walks with me telling me that everything I am doing is for nothing and that I am never going to make it far in life. That everything I do is wrong and no one will accept me for who I am. 

By being bullied and told that I am not good at anything, I convinced myself I am good at nothing. I’m not worthy of success, love, or friendships. 

So, at times when I have great success, I can not dwell in happiness for too long before the voice says, “Why are you celebrating? This is all only temporary. You are great now but what about next week? Next year? Next decade?” I then sink into a great hole and the shadow consumes me.

When the shadow takes over; my body feels like it is floating into the cosmos, straight into nothingness. My skin feeling like it is pixelating away from me and never to return. My mind races and feels like the salt and pepper screen of an old television set. My lungs lose their rhythm and get heavy. My body shakes as if I am trapped in Oymyakon. 

When it leaves and I see light, I am left feeling alone and empty. The unforgiving feeling of numbness fills my muscles and heart. My mind goes to the darkest depths imaginable, convincing myself that I’ll never be good enough. I feel embarrassed, silly, and stupid for thinking I can be successful.  

My anxiety and depression are constantly telling me I’m a failure, but everyone around me is constantly telling me I am going to do great things. My mind and body live in a constant state of anxiousness and numbness. There are a few rare times where I feel light and happy. 

This battle is all me with no assistance other than my therapist guiding me with exercises once a week, and my family and friends for moral support.

 My therapy is something I look forward to and dread at the same time. I’m able to talk to someone about my troubles and hardships freely with no judgment. My therapist helps me confront the shadow, evaluate it, see what it wants and why it is showing up. She is teaching me to trust in people again. It’s a slow process that I’ve endured since Jan. 2021, but it is one that is necessary. 

During this slow process, my friends and family had to learn along with me what it is that is exactly going on. They understand that there are days where I don’t feel like talking and there are others where I am completely unable to stop talking. They help me by understanding. 

For me, my therapy is gold. It is precious to me. I learn ways to tame the shadow, stand up to it, overpower it. One of my therapy exercises includes taking time for myself. Whether it be sleeping in, doing a face mask, reading, listening to one of my favorite vinyl records, or simply making lemonade. 

I’ve also realized the ways I am always taking care of other people before myself. I care about others and what they think so much I forget to check in on myself and see how I am doing. I don’t take time to evaluate whether the shadow is creeping up on me or not. 

A lot of the time I let the people around me drain me of all I got by saying yes to everything they ask of me. My therapist is teaching me to say “No” more often so I can take care of myself. I have to look after myself before I can look after anyone else. 

The journey is not an easy one and I know there are many other people struggling, and to those I say; 

you’re worth every second you’re here. You deserve every success you receive. That’s what I have to tell myself when the shadow whispers in my ear. I have to remind myself that I earned that small victory. I earned to dwell in that success. I earned that moment of happiness. And you do too. 

From me learning to handle this shadow and win a few battles with it, I know the war is long from over. With each minor victory, I gain, I grow. I become stronger and I learn who I am without the shadow. 

This shadow will be my silent battle opponent for life. Im sure we will have our moments where it consumes me, but I’m just as certain there will come when I am bigger and stronger than it. 


%d bloggers like this: